What Lies Within
by Tiva Shaye Cavanaugh
Summary: Toby's mother was murdered; A knows that. But if Toby agreed to cut all ties from A will he ever have closure? Will he ever find the answer he's looking for? When help comes from an unlikely source, Toby is faced with a decision. He can either look for answers or stay in the shadows. With the girls by his side, he will take the journey. But will this be for better or for worse?
1. The Calm Before The Storm

_**The Calm Before the Storm**_

They say that good things take time; but what about bad things? Do they slowly manifest or are they sudden? Sometimes we don't know which is better. To sit and watch, to wait as a loved one grows ill; to wait for them to be out of their misery but to hope for just one more day to spend alongside them. Or is it better for the Band-Aid to be ripped off- quick and painless right? No, that is just something we tell ourselves in order to move forward and be "brave." But what is to be brave? Could our view of bravery be the coward's way out? To go through life so quickly, never looking back, to never feel the pain, is that not the definition of cowardness? For to never feel is to never truly live; to never feel pain is to never feel happiness. One cannot exist without the other for in order to feel, one must feel everything from joy to rage to grief. So should we allow ourselves to feel bruised and broken, battered and beaten? If there is hope for a brighter day should we acknowledge this period in our lives and move on? The answer seems simple; yes we should just hope for the sun to come out tomorrow. But you know what they say about hope: it breads eternal misery.

* * *

Toby inwardly smiled: this was it. This was the sound he longed to hear even when he had just heard it moments before. A laugh that filled his heart with love and could make him cry tears of joy. _Her _laugh. But it wasn't just the mirth spilling past her lips; it was the fact that she was happy and full of life. The fact that she was no longer the desolate, lost soul in Radley. She had a gleam in her eye and a hand on her hip, shaking her head at him. And he couldn't help but smile knowing that he had been the one to light up her face. It had felt like years since the two had just laughed; had just let their guards down and relaxed. A millennium since their conversations hadn't revolved around A or Marion or betrayal.

"Bio nerd? Really? That's the best you can do?" Spencer retorted between chuckles, trying to regain her breath.

"Well, I guess I could do better…" Toby turned his head from side to side, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

"Oh really?" Spencer placed her other hand on her hip as well. "Prove it," she challenged. And within seconds his lips came crashing onto hers, his fingers weaving their way throughout her chocolate locks. Almost instantaneously, Spencer's hands moved to cradle Toby's face, brushing her thumbs back and forth across his cheeks.

"Does that…answer…your question?" Toby paused as he began to leave a trail of kisses down her neck, stopping at her collarbone. With the pressure there, Spencer was sure to moan and as she did, she tilted her head back further to give him more access. All thoughts, all questions aside, Spencer breathed out a 'yes.' This was perfection- not straight A's, not her parent's approval, but her and him. The two of them were meant to be and nothing would ever change that.

"Come here," Spencer whispered after what felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. She wanted his lips on hers where they belonged. No, she needed them. And as their rosy lips locked, Spencer and Toby could not think of a better way to spend the afternoon. Held in each other's arms was where they wanted to be.

Before long, Spencer was tugging on Toby's shirt, willing it to glide over his head. Willingly obliging, Toby shed his grey tee and pulled the love of his life even closer, if that was even possible. They just couldn't seem to get enough. "Get a room!"

The two jumped apart, knocking heads in the process. Toby's cheeks were flushed and his eyes still held that longing; Spencer's cheeks were beet red- caught in the act so to say. "Wow, you weren't kidding about those abs!"

"Hanna!" Spencer squealed, covering her face with her palms.

"I'm just saying, maybe they _should _get a room." Hanna jumped to cradle her left shoulder. "Ow! What the hell Aria?" Aria merely shrugged her shoulders. "Strong punch…" Hanna muttered.

"You're little, but you're big," Spencer shook her head slightly as she walked over to grab Toby's shirt which had been thrown over the glass coffee table. Picking up the soft piece of fabric, Spencer walked back over to Toby and placed it in his hands, a bit reluctant to let it go. Taking the shirt willingly, having been the victim of enough staring, Toby slid the material over his head and turned around to face their company.

"What's up?" Toby asked as he pulled Spencer into his embrace. He held her, at his right side, his arm looped around her shoulder.

"Well if you two weren't so cozy, maybe you would have remembered," Aria said with a teasing smirk gracing her features. Toby and Spencer looked blankly at one another, then back to the girls. What were they missing?

"I don't know…" Spencer said aloud, scratching behind her ear.

"Something Spencer Hastings doesn't know? Interesting," Emily joked, a knowing gleam in her eyes.

"It's not that interesting," Spencer stated, relishing in the memory. "Am I finished with _your _homework?" she laughed slightly.

"Yes; you are," Emily chuckled and Spencer squeezed Toby a little tighter.

"What? Did we miss something?" Aria found her way back into the conversation as Hanna and Toby simply nodded in regards to her question.

"Genetic modification, Toby, artificial selection, he's different. You know, just homework and boys," Emily enjoyed being vague. As they continued to stare in confusion Emily and Spencer linked arms and walked away laughing- some things would also bring a smile to their faces.

"Oh." After a few seconds, Aria and Toby came to a realization at the same time. "That's so sweet," Aria cooed.

The two walked out to catch up with the girls, leaving Hanna to just stare at the ceiling. "Do you know?" She asked no one in particular. "I didn't think so," Hanna made her exit, running, "You guys have some explaining to do!"

* * *

Piling out of Spencer's SUV, the girls led the way into Dr. Sullivan's waiting room. "Hey," Caleb gave Hanna a light squeeze as she walked through the door. "Where have you guys been? Wasn't our appointment at one o'clock?" He asked.

"We've would have been on time if somebody had remembered that we had someplace to be," Aria teased, walking over to Ezra and planting a kiss on his cheek. The girls had been trying to slowly include Ezra into their group. Aria really wanted him to be a part of her life and she had to make the girls and Ezra comfortable around each other or that would never happen.

"Let me guess…Hanna?" Samara giggled after greeting her girlfriend.

"Hey!" Hanna mock-shouted, lightly slapping Samara's bangle-covered wrist.

"Actually, it was two little lovebirds who held us up," Emily smiled as she teasingly waved her finger at the two still in the doorway. Everyone turned their heads to face Spencer and Toby but the couple didn't even notice. They were too caught up in each other's eyes, having one of their silent conversations.

"Eye sex," Hanna snickered.

"What Han?" Spencer didn't turn her head as she asked the question.

"As I said before: get a room!" She laughed, along with the others, and when Spencer mumbled what discreetly sounded like another 'what?' Emily and Samara each grabbed a body and pulled the two apart, Samara grabbing Spencer and Emily taking responsibility of Toby. The two lovers stumbled as they were pulled apart, the only force seemingly keeping them upright was Samara's and Emily's grip on their arms. Finally everyone was ready to walk into Dr. Sullivan's office noting that they were already ten minutes late.

"Take a seat; take a seat," Dr. Sullivan ushered them in once she looked up from her pile of paperwork. "I'm so glad everyone could make it," she smiled.

"Sorry we're late," Spencer spoke up. Dr. Sullivan waved her hand, signaling that it was no big deal, before taking her seat in the angular black chair, situated diagonally from the beige couch. Before she began, she took in the seating arrangement and took a minute to put some of the new faces to the names. Aria and Ezra sat next to one another, but their seemed to be some distance between them. Then came Samara and Emily, tightly holding hands, followed by Spencer sitting in Toby's lap. Caleb and Hanna sat in the beige chair, Caleb's arm around her and Hanna's head resting on his shoulder.

"So, it's nice to meet you- the girls have told me so much about you," Dr. Sullivan began as she greeted Samara, Toby, Caleb, and Ezra. "I'm Dr. Sullivan. After a lot of discussion, we have decided to invite you into the therapy sessions seeing as you are all important in the girls' lives. Now remember, this is a safe place. Nothing you say here goes beyond these walls." Slowly, one by one, each person nodded, nervous for what was about to come. Would this bring them closer or tear them apart? Would they be able to help each other or would the spiral of lies and torture become too much? But there was one thing they were sure of; there was one thing that kept them rooted to their seats and not running out the door. They were safe here; safe to speak freely and safe to break down. They knew that for a fact…If only they had known had very wrong they were.

_**Thanks for reading! Please review:) This really is the calm before the storm so enjoy the fluff while it lasts. Please let me know what you think, if I should continue, and your guesses as to what will happen! Thanks again.**_


	2. Buried Alive

_**Buried Alive**_

"_Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways."__  
__-__Sigmund Freud_

"I wanted to begin with a little introduction in terms of the circumstances, issues, and roadblocks," Dr. Sullivan stated as she scanned the room once more. "After much debate, we have finally invited you to join us. However, this does not mean that everything will be sunshine and daisies," she added sullenly. "We have a lot of topics to cover in the weeks to come, a lot of hurt and betrayal to deal with, and a lot of healing to be done." Looking up at the fear-stricken faces, Dr. Sullivan decided to further elaborate. "That's not to say that your time is worthless, wasted, or that there is no end in sight. Every day is a new day and every session brings new progress. The reason for bringing the severity of the issue to the table is not to scare you but to prepare you. I want everyone in this room to be committed to not only the group's treatment as a whole, but to _their _treatment as well." Pausing for what Hanna would call a dramatic effect, Dr. Sullivan took her time outputting her final words. "Anything that is brought up, whether accidentally or purposefully, is open for discussion. Can you all agree to work towards the healing process? To support one another in their confessions and feelings? And to put your best foot forward when it comes to your treatment while in this room and outside of it?" Taking this as their cue, the eight slowly nodded all the while looking back and forth from their partner. Life was about to get a whole lot crazier. "Ezra, you look conflicted."

Feeling like a deer in headlights, Ezra looked down as he cleared his throat. "I just feel as if we haven't known everyone in this room very long to be making such brash promises."

"I see; I see. Does anyone have anything to say to that?" Dr. Sullivan asked in response.

"I understand how you feel- at least I know that there are things that I would rather not talk about- but we chose to come here today for a reason. I'm guessing yours is Aria?" Ezra nodded so Toby continued. "Well the way I see it, seeing as you care for her, you would like to be surrounded by the other people who care for her as well. You at least have a common ground." At the end of his short but precise spiel, Spencer looped her arms around Toby's neck and gave him a friendly squeeze. He always knew just what to say.

"And, on top of that," Caleb added, "we won't be left in the dark anymore."

After everyone else put in their two cents, Ezra finally relented and actually admitted that the work that lay ahead seemed very worthwhile. "Now that we have taken care of our personal insecurities regarding this therapy session, I would like to begin our journey." Seeing as all of her guests knew about A, Dr. Sullivan gave a very short debriefing and moved on to something she knew would cause trouble. "I have had the opportunity of getting my hands on the material A uses to keep an eye on you. It is video footage- over a year of carefully collected evidence and leverage." And with that said, all eight pair of eyes became dark and all the patients grew rigid and still. "We will be using some of it from time to time, on an as needed basis," Dr. Sullivan concluded. "But enough of the dark, let us start with the light."

It took a solid five minutes to gather the attention of all eight members but eventually the meeting was restored. One by one the girl's told the stories of how they met their significant other, with the occasional chiming in from the other half of the pair, and for the first time in thirty minutes, peace was felt among the group. The love expressed was genuine and brought a smile to, not only the speaker's but those listening as well, faces.

"I love seeing how happy you make one another. It is so uncommon for this to be the case," Dr. Sullivan looked on proudly. "But now that we have discussed a memory- the past- we will discuss a tale of the present. Spencer and Toby, why don't you two go ahead and tell me what has been going on with you."

"It has been rough, I'm not going to lie," Toby began. "But today was the best day we've had in a long time- at least, for me that is." Shaking her head in agreement, Spencer smiled. Yet, that smile quickly morphed into a frown.

"Things have been rough. I mean I never stopped loving you, Toby, but when I thought you were A I was so devastated. I wanted to believe everything was back to normal when we got back together but we never really discussed anything," Spencer let a tear slip from her eye. As Toby wiped the moisture from under her eye with the pad of his thumb, Dr. Sullivan spoke up.

"Do you agree with Spencer, Toby?" He nodded, not trusting himself to go back to that place- the one without her- without breaking down. "What about Radley? Did you two discuss that?" Another shake of the head. "Maybe we should start there," Dr. Sullivan suggested. "How do you feel about everything that happened while you were away?"

Finding his voice, although weak and filled with tears, Toby confessed. "I feel like I failed. I wanted to protect her and I managed to do just the opposite."

"But you meant well?"

"Yeah; I joined the A Team to work from the inside. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially you, Spencer," Toby admitted softly, causing her to cup his face and whisper a sweet nothing into his ear.

"Spencer, what do you think of your time at Radley?"

"It would have been better if I someone had taken my place as Spencer and left me to be the Jane Doe I was when the park rangers found me," she was blatant, almost cruel, in her words. Yet what was to be expected when she spent years without love from her parents and being tortured by A. Even worse, days in her eternal hell. "I wish I could forget. Forget Radley, forget being restrained, forget feeling like I was dead…" Spencer trailed off, trying desperately to maintain her composure as Toby tightened his arms around her.

"But you've already done that once," Dr. Sullivan reminded her.

"What?" Spencer squinted her eyes, attempting to locate the memory Dr. Sullivan was referring to.

"You have already blocked out a memory due to severe trauma. I don't even think you can access it at the moment." And suddenly, everyone was looking between her and Dr. Sullivan, worried for what was to come next.

"I wouldn't do that," Spencer fought back. "I don't deal with things by forgetting them."

"Sometimes we don't have control over these things. When an event is too much to handle at the moment, it is stored for another day- sometimes that day never comes. You and Toby have not only been struggling to forgive and forget but to escape A's grasp as well. Toby- A has been blackmailing you into playing the game so that your mother's death does not remain a mystery. Spencer- you have been trying to play the supportive girlfriend but find the anxiety overwhelming." Both were now confused as to what this had to do with anything. "You are not anxious and stressed for the sole reason of Toby being put in harm's way. Spencer, you are fighting against the unveiling of the truth for you blocked out exactly what Toby is trying to find. You were there when Marion Cavanaugh was murdered."

_**Thank you for reading; I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review!**_

_Rdzrita__: Thanks for reviewing! You were the only to review and I couldn't have been more happy to see it. I hope you're still enjoying this story. Thanks again!_


	3. When It All Comes Crumbling Down

_**When It All Comes Crumbling Down**_

Silence. One word, seven letters, countless emotions. There is a moment of silence for who has passed; there is silence before the fall. There is silence when no one knows what to say and silence when there is nothing left to say. There is nothing worse than being left in the dark, alone with your thoughts, when you know that no matter what happens, your life has forever changed. Spencer Hasting would never be the same. Her life changed the moment Dr. Sullivan breathed "You were there when Marion Cavanaugh was murdered."

* * *

"Excuse me, what?" Spencer tilted her head to the side, breaking the silence that had been endured for far too many minutes to count. "Are you serious? Because to me it sounds like you've fallen off your rocker," Spencer stated, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Spence, what are you- a grandma? Even my Nana isn't that old," Hanna stated, trying to play off her fear as amusement.

"Actually the term became popular in 1896 and it originated from the "rocker" which held a trolley-"

"Girls!" Dr. Sullivan shushed. "Now is not the time to be avoiding the issue. Everyone is startled; I understand that. However, in order to move forward we must acknowledge the problem and everything that comes with it." Taking a deep breath as she looked from one face to the next, Anne continued. "Can we handle that?" And slowly, one by one, the group of eight nodded their heads. They didn't know what was coming but they knew that they wouldn't get away with skirting around the problem this time; Anne would never allow that. Not when they'd come this far. "Who would like to begin?"

"I would," Toby whispered, not sure that he was up for this discussion. "Why did you lie to me?"

Toby turned to question Spencer who was slowly trying to slide off of his lap and out of his grasp. "I've told you everything I know- even when it was hard- and you couldn't clue me in on the fact that you were there?" Toby's anger was slowly getting the better of him, his voice betraying his mask of calmness and ease.

Wiggling out of his embrace for she was feeling just a bit too close to him at the moment, Spencer answered. "Toby, you can't honestly believe I would lie to you. I wasn't there!"

"You wouldn't lie to me? What about A? What about Garrett? What about-"

"Okay, you don't get to dredge all of that up unless you're ready to face up to working for A and helping A," came Spencer's haughty reply.

"I did that to protect you!"

"So did I!"

"Toby, Spencer, please take a minute to cool off. I want to make it clear that under no circumstances does Spencer remember the night your mother was murdered. She was there but not _there_," Dr. Sullivan attempted to explain.

"What?" everyone else in the room asked, more than a little confused.

In an attempt to explain, Dr. Sullivan called on Emily. "Do you remember the night Ali's grave was dug up?"

"Bits and pieces," was Emily's only reply.

"But in the beginning, did you remember anything?" Anne pressed, trying to make a point.

"No, I didn't remember anything that happened that night," Emily stated slowly. "I thought it was because I was drinking but then…I found out I was drugged." And like that a light bulb went off in her head. "Spencer was drugged?"

"Yes but not only drugged, Emily," Dr. Sullivan was pleased to be making progress. "Hanna, when you woke up in the hospital after Mona hit you with a car, did the memories come rushing back?"

"No; the memories came back over the next hour."

"Trauma sometimes causes the brain to block out specific events, particularly the event causing the trauma itself." In response to the strange looks she was receiving, Aria elaborated. "NCIS."

"Exactly," Anne brought her hands together, pointing them in Aria's direction.

"So, Spencer was drugged and suffered trauma, causing her to lose her memory of that night," Samara summed up.

"But wouldn't she remember after all this time?" Caleb asked, still not convinced.

"Hey, can we not talk about me like I'm not in the room?" Spencer spat, now not only confused but worried as well. _What if this is the truth? What if I can't remember? What else could I have forgotten?_

"Sorry," Caleb mumbled. "Why wouldn't _someone _remember by now?"

"Like Aria said, recalling the traumatic event takes the most effort. Sometimes it never comes back," Ezra explained, his hands moving as he spoke.

"I just don't think that I would block out a memory. I don't deal with my problems that way," Spencer testified, struggling to remain in control of her racing emotions.

"But you did and, in order to heal, you have to first accept the fact that not everything is as it seems," Dr. Sullivan said as she reached out to grab Spencer's hands, only to be rejected. She couldn't let Anne comfort her; then she would surely fall apart.

"Okay, well if I'm to understand, why was I even with Marion Cavanaugh that night?"

"Yeah, my mom was in Radley the night she died. Spencer wasn't admitted to Radley until this year," Toby shook his head, trying to keep both his sadness and anger at bay.

"Not the first time," Anne reminded. "Spencer was in Radley at the age of thirteen for depression."

And in that moment, the ball dropped. It was the icing on the cake; the beginning of what Spencer assumed would be her ultimate demise. For, just then, a memory came rushing back.

"_Where's Mini-You?" Eddie Lamb asked, poking fun at his favorite patient: Marion Cavanaugh. _

"_Is that what you're calling her now?" she smiled as she spoke. "She has a name you know."_

"_Yeah well, I never see the two of you without each other," he chuckled, thinking back to how the only one Spencer had befriended was Marion. "And besides, she looks a lot like you. Minus the eyes of course."_

"_Of course," Marion said as if it was obvious. "Anyway, so called Mini-Me and I are going to play a little game before bed."_

"_Really? Because I think she got a head start on her forty winks." _

"_What?" Marion turned around to find Spencer half-asleep on the gray sofa behind her. "Well, what do you know? I guess I tired her out," she chuckled, acting as if, for the time being, she had not a care in the world. "I'll take her to our room." _

"_Are you sure you don't want me-"_

"_I have a son Eddie; I've done this before," Marion explained as she lifted the tiny brunette into her arms. Once securely in her surrogate mother's embrace, Spencer curled into Marion's chest and looped her arms around her neck. Nothing had ever felt more like home in her entire life. And she hoped that it would always be that way. Marion by her side every step of the way._

_**Thank you for your reviews, favorites, and follows! Please leave your opinions; I love to hear what you have to say and it allows me to see that people are reading this story. Also, I am taking prompts on FanFiction and Tumblr so please, let me know if you have an idea! Thanks again. Happy Holidays!**_

_choose joy xox: Thanks for reviewing. It always makes my day to hear that people are enjoying the story!_


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